Of Birds & Bees… Really ??
Note:- This post is in continuation of my earlier post, the child was around 5 years old and I am sharing what my friends, as parents, did to teach their son about this tabooed topic.
I know I have taken time to write this post. Actually I was corresponding with my friend S, to know the exact details and how to go about writing it. Trust me, sometimes communications do take up a bit of time. But I am glad that it happened.
She wanted me to write in first person as I did before but I guess that would have been too much for me. I have tried to make it simple, detailed and honest and this is definitely not my last post on the topic.
S, if you are reading this, let me know how I have fared on your scale.
—–
Suddenly he stopped. Holding his mother’s hand he amazingly looked in one direction where he saw something that his eyes couldn’t believe. His mother was busy chatting to her friend as they strolled through the park in that wintry evening. Oblivious to what he was amazed at, his mother tried to drag him but he was still looking in that direction. His mother noticed the distraction and … .. .. ..
That was the instance which forced his mother to think that the time had come to tell him what it was all about. By the way, that friend with his mother happened to be me.
A little background.
I think a little background is required as who they were and how I met them. They were an Indian family living in Geneva. Geneva has very little population of Indians compared to immigrants from some of the other Asian countries. It was my first onsite project abroad. I first met her husband on a bus-stop. He struck the conversation. Next time I met him with his wife and son in a shopping mall. I was new and alone to the city. Being extremely social people, they invited me over to their house. And thus our friendship grew.
Though S was a mother and a few years older to me, we never had any problems as such. Since we stayed close by, sometimes while going back home I used to accompany her to her child’s day care center. Every Sunday we used to meet, either at my place or hers and it had helped me in more than one ways. Soon I had become a part of that family. They are still great friends settled abroad but not in Geneva.
Now, the topic.
Even much before that incident, they both had taken care to sex educate their child.
A continuing process. The basic rule of sex education is that it is a continuing and slow process. You start by introducing the basics and take it further depending on the questions or the age of the child.
First thing what they did was to tell the correct names of genitals to their son. Since childhood, the children are taught the nicknames for private parts and different analogies for the act of sex. The reason why parents give nicknames to genitals is because they themselves feel embarrassed about it. The result ? This message about embarrassment is reflected to the child.
You don’t give nicknames to a leg or an arm. Why give nicknames to genitals then ? It is just another part of our body.
Parents are concerned that the child might be shocked with details about sex. Well, it all depends how you yourself take it as, and how or when you teach your child. It is important to realize that young children want to learn from their parents. Use this opportunity at its best.
S also taught him that the difference between private parts of a boy and a girl was the way to find out whether a child was a girl or a boy. She used to discuss gender related small things with him.
E.g if there was a fancy dress competition, where a boy is made to dress like a girl (or vice versa), how would he find out what was s/he in real ?
“The child’s name will tell me.”
“How do you give a name to a newborn ?”
“Can I give you a girl’s name, will you accept it ?”
“No”
From time to time with permission of parents, she showed him newborns at their nappy change time. Slowly in a matter of months he had become aware that a boy is differently made than a girl.
How babies are made :-
She claims that this part needed a heavy forte. She neither wanted to hurry on the subject nor bombard the kid with confusing stuff. S first discussed with her husband as how to approach the subject and then she charted out plans to incorporate this discussion with her son. She knew she had to deal with it diligently. Oh yeah, it was a fairly long process.
In the meanwhile, wherever possible, she showed him pregnant women and the reason for them being so fat at their tummy. Fortunately for her, one of her neighbours was in advanced stage of pregnancies. Sometime later, she delivered and so her stomach was again flat. He now knew where babies reside and grow.
Had she told him in the beginning without these details, she knew she would have put herself in an extremely difficult and uncomfortable situation. But even after all these time consuming processes, she was attacked with series of innocent queries like…
Oh you have a bag inside ? How big is that bag ? Which colour it is ?
I am not that small to fit in there.
Are there some more babies inside ?
What was I doing/eating there ?
How I went in ?
She painstakingly used to explain things to him on what babies eat or what they do inside or how they sleep etc. She took advantage of the fact that children are always very interested in stories and want to hear them again & again.
How I went in ?
Now this was THE question. He knew where small babies grow but how do they get in there ??
Even I remember my time .. being a curious logical minded, I had very weird questions for my poor mom and I am sure she was at her wits end to shove me away. She could never ever explain things to me properly. She tried her best to distract me, but alas ! Cuckoo never leaves anything midway so.. .. And then I had started putting my ever active logical brains on work on the subject. 
And rest is history.. .. ..
*sigh*
Note:- Readers are welcome to chip in. S would be more than happy to know your views on the topic. Let the healthy discussion go on.. ..
Current song- Le Papa du Papa – Boby Lapointe
Technorati Tags: Parenting Sex Education Society
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Abhijeet said,
June 5, 2008 @ 6:17 pm
Hi Cuckoo,
Long time! Dunno if you remember me…used to frequent your blogspot blog but got swamped by work in the last 1 year..anyway…will read up on your other posts soon
good post as always…given the fact that our HRD mininstry considers introducing sex education in schools as a taboo, i think parents should willingly talk to their kids and not shove them away…
anyway on a lighter note…i remember my days in school in class 7. There was this kid in my class who used to think…n m not kidding about this… babies came from the mom’s mouth…the way to get a baby out according to him was put fingers in the mouth till the mom puked the baby out…i remember telling that story to my mom…she couldn’t stop laughing for a few hours
Abhi said,
June 5, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
Very well written. Educating children on this aspect is really a very difficult and a gradual act. What could be more confusing for parents is the fact that there can be no standard methods. The process I feel cannot be generalized. The reason I feel this is different kids mature differently, at different ages and stages of life. So you do not know whats the right time for you to take one step ahead. Another thing.. you never know what questions your kid might ask…so you cannot really be ready with a bag of answers.
However,looking at it, I also feel that everything on this subject should not be coming in from the parents.
I mean, I am sure, most of you from my generation didn’t get much help from our parents. We learnt it the ‘hard’ way, isnt it? Talking among friends, watching movies, reading books found at the local raddiwala. We knew where babies came from, but then we ‘researched’ on how it went there in the first place. That part of self-study was surely fun as well.
Will stop here before this becomes a cross post instead of a comment. Waiting for Part 2
--xh-- aka aNoop said,
June 5, 2008 @ 7:51 pm
I think what they r doing is very valuable… will listen to this discussion carefully… may be i wil find myself in a position to use this
Cuckoo said,
June 5, 2008 @ 10:20 pm
Abhijeet,
Of course I remember you awesome dude !! How can I forget when I have an excellent memory chip fitted in me ??
Welcome to my cosmos. You still in Pune ?? So glad to see you back.
Oh if you are talking about my mom, I as a 5-6 year old logical girl, used to harass her for any set of questions.
Nowww, don’t make me open my mouth… I have many more examples in my life… even at college level.
Ok, chalo… after I finish off last part of this post, I’ll ask you all to write about all your examples/experiences.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
Cuckoo said,
June 5, 2008 @ 10:58 pm
Abhi,
Here comes another Abhijeet. One of the four Abhijeet’s on my blog.
Aakhir aapka comment aa hee gaya. Thank you for liking the post.
different kids mature differently, at different ages and stages of life…. Yes and that’s why I said it all depends on when & how you teach your child. I feel parents can be the best judge to know when is that time.
Well, this is just an example from the set of questions that were asked by that kid. S doesn’t remember all. The questions will always be varying from child to child (depends on various factors) and of course the parent has to satisfy the quest diligently.
We knew where babies came from, but then we ‘researched’ on how it went there in the first place…. Ha Ha Ha… you boys are never going to change.
We girls are never ‘that’ lucky.
LOL@self-study
You are always welcome to write more.
Cuckoo said,
June 5, 2008 @ 11:07 pm
Anoop,
Kya baat hai… aaj saare names “A” se start hone wale hain ??
Yeah, I also found it very positive… the way the couple took the whole process and the need & understanding of their child. Mind you, the child was growing in Switzerland …. one of the most advanced countries in these matters.
Probably I would have done the same had I been in their situation.
Keep watching, keep participating.
Maverick said,
June 6, 2008 @ 3:00 am
I was inquisitive about the matter as well.
First i thought God would identify the married couples and present them with children, later i knew birth has nothing to do with marraige, I thought men and women would kiss or lie together naked and she would get pregnant. It was only in my eight grade(when I was abt 12) that i knew of intercourse and sperms and ovules and the birth process. And ofcourse by tenth grade we had started watching porn
I remember how my neighbours daughter got matured and I asked my Mom how would one know if a girl got matured, my Mom’s reaction was ew..umm….hmm, and that was it. And ofcourse we had a chapter on sex education in our moral science and the technicalities in tenth grade zoology. I think i pretty much knew things I needed to know at the age i was supposed to know.
btw what’s with those ads in the middle of ur posts.
dArA said,
June 6, 2008 @ 9:27 am
Nice post!!
Many says learning(regarding SEX Educatn ) from Parents is much safer than from Friends,but what I felt it’s MORE abour from whom you learning and their level-of-freeness with you as well as their knowledge-base!
For me,I mostly did my ’self-study’ before my one elder cousin-sister came for my rescue! Then she taught me some ‘facts’ which I always wonder ,,,,and I still remember some of questions those were really weird & she’d a share of laugh on those,,of course!!
You may remember,in early ’90s there was a cable-boom and AL LEAST 50 Foreign channels suddenly added with our ONLY 2 National channels,,,then time I(& MOST of the teens I guess! :-)) used watch those programs and those serve a good souce of my curicity!!:D I was then in 6th standard,I guess..
How I went in ?
Now this was THE question. He knew where small babies grow but how do they get in there ??
In my opnion,it’s don nessary to learn EVERY aspect of Intercourse from our Parents ONLY!!! We acn learn from others like elders,teachers or atlst ’self-study’ ,,,then accuaring some knowledge!! It may be embarrasing for them to teach their teen son/daughters HOW they went in!!! But,if they can do it sucessfuly,kudos ‘em!
peter said,
June 6, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
Here you really found a great subject! How these things are handled is certainly very different between different regions, cultures, religions, countries… but also from one family to another. A lot about sex was perhaps more natural “before”? Strong Puritanism appeared in Europe by the end of the 19th century and I believe that this influenced also other areas of the world. I believe that this complicated things, as with many other then “forbidden” things, and much of this still remains in our minds.
Born in Sweden, a few decades ago, where and when sex had again been allowed as a matter to talk about, I guess these matters were already handled in a rather open way. I don’t believe that I lived with any big question marks for long. This gives me the idea to ask my now adult kids how they remember this from their education. I believe it came quite naturally also, but it’s certainly not easy to give a good answer about the ”colour of the bag” to a three year kid.
Alok Meshram said,
June 6, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
I dunno about how I’m going to handle it.
Most probably I’ll tell my child that there are only two purposes of life:
1. To Survive and remain the Fittest
2. To produce more of your species, And make sure that they learn to survive and remain fittest too.
I’ll say that when you satisfy these natural urges, your body automatically reacts in a positive manner, so either that orgasm after sex, or that goody goody feeling after you’ve ate your dinner, they’re of a similar nature. Should be enjoyed and handled with responsibility.
I think I’ll be freaking my future children out! Nobody will marry me.
Tarun said,
June 7, 2008 @ 4:45 pm
Oh come on, give me a break.
not Sex again please, have already enough off it …
Sex seems to be every where … net, tv, news papers.
Its turning stale, malady and passe’
Celine said,
June 7, 2008 @ 6:49 pm
As I said before, there is a varied mix of opinions on whether sex education is necessary. But sex education is an absolutely necessity as explanation in a scientific manner is a must, and this is more so when it comes to matters of health.
Cuckoo said,
June 7, 2008 @ 8:39 pm
Maverick,
I think every child has that inquisitiveness. Glad that you shared your experiences here. Not many people can do.
I remember how my neighbours daughter got matured… You mean when they celebrate her puberty ?? This topic has etched in my mind since long, I’ll definitely write about it sometime.
btw what’s with those ads in the middle of ur posts…. Oh, that was not supposed to appear like that. Some problem with the code or something else. Not getting time to see it.
Cuckoo said,
June 7, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
Sagnik,
First, please comment here as yourself.
Well, many will get amused if they read about you knowing it from your elder sister !!
So, you see, it is never the same for two people. Teacher can be anybody.
In my opnion,it’s don nessary to learn EVERY aspect of Intercourse from our Parents ONLY!!! .. Here, I would like to emphasize that the child we are talking about, was around 5 years old and I don’t think at that age any child will turn to others before asking his/her parent.
And again, I reiterate, it is NOT the actual act or method of intercourse but the process as a wholesome answer to satisfy the quest of that child.
Cuckoo said,
June 7, 2008 @ 8:50 pm
Peter,
I fully agree with you that these things can be as differently perceived and taught as an individual.
After seeing what was in the school syllabus of that child, I got to know that the western countries are way ahead of us. India will have to really shed its mental block about the whole thing.
Cuckoo said,
June 7, 2008 @ 9:03 pm
Alok,
Looks like you are getting jitters !!
Whatever you have told here, remember we are dealing with a 4-5 year old kid.
I think I’ll be freaking my future children out! Nobody will marry me... Ha Ha… all sympathies.
Tarun,
Oh Oh… you can always refrain from reading/commenting. Nobody is forcing you to read all this stale & passé stuff.
Cuckoo said,
June 7, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
Celine,
Spot on !! It is health .. be it physical or mental.:)
Praveen GK said,
June 8, 2008 @ 11:34 pm
What’s up cuckoo? A lot of posts on sex education these days
Yeah, this is avery important aspect of our lives!! It is good to know early, and good to know them right too. What say?
Priyank said,
June 9, 2008 @ 9:01 am
With me it was funny really.
Dad: Son, I want to talk to you about sex
Me: Sure Dad, what do you wanna know?
Well, almost
Tarun said,
June 9, 2008 @ 11:44 am
Yep …
But then its just a feed-back, .
Real curious to know, why does “sex” occupies so much cyberspace?
Does it occupies equivalent amount of thinking process too?
I mean yes, sex education is desired but it shouldnt be done in real early times of a kid
Iceman said,
June 9, 2008 @ 4:34 pm
Reminds me of an incident that happened with my friend… Unrelated to “sex-education”, interesting nevertheless!
I am the only lukha in our group now. Rest all married and many have kids 3-5 years old!
So it was a friendly get together with family & friends on a nice Friday evening. So the evening went by we had starters to begin with & a couple of drinks. And our hero of the story who is 3 years old, the naughtiest kid ever! He starts to throw around spoons across the table.
By the time the main course had started, things were, well, going slightly out of hand with our hero. As in he started throwing around water & juice mugs! The hero’s dad obviously pissed to the core was trying hard to control his anger and be as good as he could with the kid. So he asked the kid to go to sleep, beside his mom. The kid continued to be an annoyance! So the dad really got pissed & yelled and asked him to go to sleep!
Now the funny part! The kid started crying! and What he said while crying goes something like this, “Mereko pata hai aap mujhe sula ke mummy ki chaddi utaarteh ho”. Had to see the jaw dropping reaction of every one! Especially the parents! I laughed my way to lunacy! Poor parents… I mean… the kid got back in the best way possible! ROTFLMAO! I’ve never laughed that much ever! That day holds a record for the amount I’ve laughed! Even today my stomach hurts thinking of that day!
May be I should post about this incident sometime!
Alok Meshram said,
June 9, 2008 @ 9:57 pm
Can I answer on Cuckoo’s behalf?
*crickets creaking*
*decides to do it anyways*
Priyank & Iceman,
Bwahahhhahh
ROTFL
Classic.
Tarun & Praveen,
Sex is one of the most basic instincts we possess. It is almost as strong as the instinct to Survive. So we can easily say that in most cases, when a human being is not thinking about survival, he/she is thinking about Sex.
Because that is a very primary role that life has assigned us: to keep life alive.
Now of course when we fulfill this role, our system is relieved, and it enjoys the release, it is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. And it is this pleasure in itself that keeps the wonderfulness of sex alive! Otherwise, why would we want to have children if we didn’t feel it to be of the utmost importance?
It is for this reason that any mode of expression devised by us has been instantaneously used to express this wonderful fact of life. As Bill Gates argues in his book, “The Road Ahead”, it’s not just the internet, when printing was invented, it was dominated by works on or related to Sex too.
Now with Sex comes responsibility for life itself! And it is hence very very necessary to describe to a newbie (aka children) about this responsibility, otherwise the inbuilt sexual tension in him/her might lead to immature decisions, which can ruin not their lives.
Now if you think that this topic doesn’t deserve to be discussed, I have nothing to say except that you are ignoring your own body, your own life, your own responsibilities as living beings.
P.S. This isn’t meant to be offensive, was just in the mood of writing an essay and expressing my thoughts.
ashes said,
June 10, 2008 @ 2:48 pm
Good post Cuckoo. And a good discussion going on in the comments section.
Thats quite a good approach taken by your friend. Am looking forward to how did she explain “how babies are made?” to her son…Yeah, she took a lot of time doing that, I hope you don’t take a similar amount of time narrating that…
Tarun said,
June 10, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
Its not offensive for sure.
I am all for it … but at what point in time should one tell about it.
Alok Meshram said,
June 10, 2008 @ 9:44 pm
Tarun,
Hmm, that is indeed a very interesting question.
As mentioned in this post, some of it surely must begin quite early, so that the child doesn’t feel the embarrassment that is rampant in contemporary society about sex.
I feel that the child must be made aware of it as soon as he/she seems able to appreciate responsibility or is able to handle it.
If the child is inquisitive, he/she should be told about it in as much detail as he/she wants, so that he/she doesn’t detect any apprehension in the parents and picks it up. I mean, it shouldn’t appear to be a taboo topic.
Of course, this should be handled with some care, but not apprehension.
adi said,
June 11, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
hmmmm
keep posting
mera bhi time ayega kabhi in sab cheejon ka jawaab dene ke liye
abhi se tayyari kar loon!!!
उन्मुक्त said,
June 11, 2008 @ 9:18 pm
मैं यौन शिक्षा का पक्षधर हूं। मैंने कुछ समय पहले इस बारे में चिट्ठी लिखी थी कि किस प्रकार मेरी मां के द्वारा यौन शिक्षा दी गयी थी।
बहुत से लोग यौन शिक्षा का अर्थ केवल संभोग, या फिर जनन समझते हैं। यह ठीक नहीं है। मैंने इस बारे में भी यहां विस्तार से लिखा है।
Tarun said,
June 12, 2008 @ 10:28 am
@ alok …
Hey Alok … I think this whole thing is blown way out of propotion … perhaps because of its (sex) allurement.
Personally, for a me, there is a lot a kid can learn …
I am not saying things should be swept under the carpet.
But something I have reservations against.At this point of time, may be I am not getting to the core of the issue.
Alok Meshram said,
June 12, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
Tarun,
I don’t have plans ready as such. I just want to keep my guidelines ready, so that when the time comes, I’d like to be prepared and take appropriate steps.
I might be wrong in being too open with this thing, I dunno. I think it’s all about responsibility. When the child is responsible enough, he/she has the right to knowing what he/she wants to know.
Until then, I don’t feel there is anything wrong in discussing it with your child, though not in too much detail. Just neutral, scientific replies.
Anyways, I’m not too sure either. I think it’s not before I have some experience (
) that I will have a final say.
Mayank said,
June 13, 2008 @ 12:18 am
Cuckoo,
You always come up with a great thought provoking topic. I can see some ppl are not that open with this. you might have recd some -ve comments also.
great discussion here in comment section and all waiting for next part. I am curious to know.
prax said,
June 15, 2008 @ 3:18 am
wow this is brilliantly put
slow and steady in small doses but very articulate
come to think of it - teen yrs are worse for boys as they generally dont get any info from their already guilty victorian minded parents.
i had my share of scares and queries - so had my friends who were lucky to get a good peer like me
Pijush said,
June 15, 2008 @ 8:52 am
Hey Cuckoo… Your posts are just excellent. Keep writing. I will try to be regular now. Take care
Amol said,
June 15, 2008 @ 7:35 pm
You know I am a great fan of your writing since you started writing. I have subscribed to your posts through e-mail subscription. I don’t need to come here to read your posts.
And this time it was taking too long, I thought there is something wrong with my subscription, came here & saw you haven’t posted it yet.
What’s wrong ? Is everything ok ?
Anonymous said,
June 16, 2008 @ 1:49 am
WHat do u think? why u not printing my coments? i wrote 15-20 and u reject dem?
u are a goddess or want to chnag this earth. how dare u say mothr can teach son this things. did ur father teach u how to sex. he gave u practical traning?
this post suxx. u cannt teach sex to neone. best is to show dem porn frm early age. we dont teach animals n dey also knw how to sex
dArA said,
June 16, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
PPl will NOT when they will learn “some one” learned EVERY aspect of sex/intercourse from their parents ,specially frm mom..
Yes, Sex frm parents is REALLY healthy but that has a limit & if EACH N EVERY aspects(regarding sex) has be learn frm ‘em ONLY…then ,,well,yeah,it is never the same for two people.
I want to say,in our society,ANY Sex related topic,irrepective of how decent way it presents,always taken otherwise by many pple!!!
I assure you,start ANY SEX topic and 30% of pple will be ashamed to discuss even though they r married etc,60% will take it as “amusing stuff” and their thinking like “bahut maja a rahi hai yaar,lets have fun out of it!!” specially if that topic started by a FEMALE like you!!!!! Cuckoo,teach us smthing pls, we are diing to learn frm you. And only 10% or less will take it right way! :-/
So,whether I/anybody learnt our ‘knowledge’ frm mom/sis or frnds,,,they INTEND to extract some degree of maza ,they will always do zat,,,n be sure SOME of your silent visitors also having a FUN time reading this topic! I know it bcoz I know them. And you r samrt enough to aware of it!!!
Sagnik
P.S.- Btwn,b4 anybody satrting to say on “how” my sis gave some leasson,,, She was one who had forced me to NOT became an addict of Porn films,which I used to watchsee in every week regularly in my early 20s AND that’s the reason why I stopped watching Porn in last 4-5 years,,,I hardly watch any nowadyas!!!!
dArA said,
June 16, 2008 @ 7:44 pm
Cuckoo,
I donno who did it,,either ’someone’ of your Visitors OR even you,,but I WANT TO SAY,,,THE “ABOVE” Comment on dArA was NOT written by me!!
GET D POINT??
dArA said,
June 17, 2008 @ 9:54 pm
So,whether I/anybody learnt our ‘knowledge’ frm mom/sis or frnds,,,they INTEND to extract some degree of maza ,they will always do zat,,,
So Miss Cuckoo,
Where’s YOUR so-called self-claimed honestly?? Firstly you ‘deleted’ my 2nd comment(19th in original order) and then ‘distorted’ in your OWN WAY!!!
REally,you call others by name,but just look @YOUR SELF,,,you’ll see a pervert in you!!
Seriously,why you wrote this line in MY COMMENT “So,whether I/anybody learnt our ‘knowledge’ frm mom/sis or frnds,,,they INTEND to extract some degree of maza ,they will always do zat,,,” which I NEVER WROTE????
How sick one can be?????????????? :-/
Cuckoo said,
June 19, 2008 @ 1:39 am
Hi All,
Before I answer your comments on this post, I think I need to reply to Dara. So allow me to do that first.
Dara aka Sagnik aka Mandrake aka Mr D aka…. who knows ,
Just because I keep mum or reply nicely to you doesn’t mean you can say anything. First you say that the comment is NOT written by you and then you accuse me of distorting it !!
If you don’t know what you are talking about or think I am a fool then you are mistaken. What do you think of yourself ? A king ? Don’t I have any other work than to write comment on your behalf ? You are SICK !!
Don’t force me to take stern action against you. Enough is enough. Don’t ever try to comment on my blog. I’ll NOT approve them.
prats said,
June 23, 2008 @ 6:10 pm
This was very interesting. Considering I have 2 sons and both of whom have put me through such questions….I understand the need to be direct, simple and forthright. Our embarrassment translates to the kis.
Each age has its ways of understanding. My older one now can understand most stuff told to him, and he expects clarity. No fidgeting by parents. And they should be told by the parents, for them to feel more accepted by their ownselves. Or else they might think their parents are not going to tell them at all…and it will get awkward later.
Liked your blog…very interesting. Came here from blogadda.
Cuckoo said,
June 27, 2008 @ 11:39 pm
Prats,
Welcome to my blog and I am glad that you liked it.
Yes, what you say is true, I can see you are of the same opinion as me.
Thanks for visiting this site. Hope to see you more often.