Life ..
3:12 AM
What is being lonely ? Lonely, when you are surrounded by your own people, who probably care for & love you the most ? They ensure that the things are at your service even before you could ask for.
And then you start craving for something that was not so absolute & flawless yet perfect for you. What was your past. What you used to enjoy. Those fights, arguments, discussions, secrets..
Every small detail of those moments when you had lived a life. You were solely responsible for your deeds. When you had made friends and enemies on your own. Those friends who don’t love you as much as your own people. You are not the first priority in their lives. But still you want to go to them, have more & more of them. They were just like you with negative & positive traits.
Back then, your identity was the name given by them. Now, you don’t exist without your surname.
That was the time that showed your true identity, your choices, your taste, your character.
What you live now is fake. Ye sab to dikhawa hai, donning a mask of a gentleman, an obedient son or daughter, a loving sibling, perfect husband/wife.. everything picture perfect. 100%. So much perfect that you start hating it.
Sab kuch to hai, ab aur kya chaahiye ? (You have everything, what more do you want now?)
Aur ? Then the realization strikes. And strikes hard.
This is what you are going to be for rest of your life. Your life is no more yours. You are busy in performing the rituals of expectations, duties, responsibilities etc. and pleasing your own people in your own house. And you’ll continue to do so. Their taste is your taste. Their rules are your rules. A place where you should have been the most comfortable, you feel withdrawn and caged. What an irony !!
Pleasing.. .. the hated word in your dictionary has now become a norm.
When are you going to live ? Your OWN life in your OWN way ? When will you get that ‘Aur’ (more).
“He never drank. He never had sex. He never played any sport. He never loved. And when he died, the insurance companies denied him any claim. They said he never lived”.
This was one of the quotes I received in mail today.
However, this post is not related to it.
Current Song:- Aaj Phir Jeene ki tamanna Hai – Lata
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sandeip said,
July 27, 2008 @ 4:16 am
and yet in some ways we all live but do not live…i continually keep cribbing about not living but just being alive, and somehow this post strikes a chord…because of expectations…people create the myth about you…how responsible you are…how good you are…what you SHOULD BE…and in the end you being to BELIEVE in that myth yourself,forgetting what it actually meant to be able to smile, play,run, feel happiness at the sound of the call of a bird… you forget what it is like to feel the sweat run down your face after a hard 6 mile jog…you feel the sweat all right,but you dont feel the exhilaration any more…you forget what beauty is there in the wings of a butterfly…the lonely beauty with which the moon completes his interminable journey everynight…and it grows worse…alive but not living…
and so you sit up till five in the morning listening to forlorn numbers with an uncared for cigarette burning between your fingers, waiting for the sun to arrive, and wondering what changed, and when; and knowing that no one will ever be able to tell….
P.S. sorry for writing such a long comment…but you know how i am on this subject…besides, i finally got my own site, and i just HAD to drag your attention to it
PPS: besides, i WAS the first to comment, even before your post arrived in my feedreader
Shekhar said,
July 27, 2008 @ 8:00 am
Hope all is well with you? What makes you so aggressive? Never seen you respond in this manner earlier. I mean I have seen you getting agitated. But never seen you getting frustrated with yourself and especially with the idea of not living life to its fullest…
Solitaire said,
July 27, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
I believe we can live the way we want to if we take that extra step courageously. Where there is a will, there is a way.
abhi said,
July 27, 2008 @ 1:07 pm
agree completely
ashes said,
July 28, 2008 @ 12:24 am
I sense something wrong Cuckoo. Or maybe its just a passing phase in which case things will return to normal soon.
But feeling lonely enough at 3 in the morning to compose a post and listen to that track by Lata Mangeshkar? I believe you don’t write at those hours…
rauf said,
July 28, 2008 @ 11:40 am
Loneliness is a state of mind Cuckooji.
and i can never get tired of that song
peter said,
July 28, 2008 @ 3:01 pm
Life is an ever ongoing compromise process. The question is what level of compromise. Uneless you become an eremite, you must somehow live with others. If you are alone all the time, you miss company. To be alone for some moments, now and then, helps. … and in company you must create your own “space”. (The compromise solution. Is there an ideal compromise? Can a compromise be ideal? … etc…)
Tarun said,
July 29, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
Perhaps life is not about getting the best u can get but giving the best u can give…
Cuckoo said,
July 30, 2008 @ 1:58 am
Sandeip,
Yes, exactly ! You got what I wanted to convey.
BTW, I loved your long comment because I know you just can’t stop yourself on this topic.
Saw your new blog and I was the first one to comment there. And I read the latest post as well. Keep it up !! Happy running.
Thank you for beating the feedreader !
Keep doing that.
Shekhar,
Thanks for your concern. It feels good.
Well, sometimes it happens. Human traits you know.
Ah it wasn’t really for me but almost. I was upset for someone else but could very well relate to it. Now, don’t start saying what a stupid person I am. I know I am. Ha Ha Ha…
Cuckoo said,
July 30, 2008 @ 1:59 am
Solitaire,
Welcome again.
No, I don’t quite agree with you. You are very optimist here by saying that. Life doesn’t always allow you to do that.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
Abhi,
agree completely… Why ?
Cuckoo said,
July 30, 2008 @ 2:15 am
Ashes,
Will have to be more careful. 
Thanks for your concern. I am touched.
Well, sometimes it is just not a passing phase, it becomes a way of life. And then one realizes.. oh am I really living my own life ? And you know how I react to these. I think it was an emotional burst. Human traits you know.
And it wasn’t really for me, I was upset for someone else but could very well relate to it. It was almost me.
Thanks once again for your concern. That song is my favourite and yes, to tell you the truth… I wanted to listen to it again & again at that time.
Waise, today also I am awake till now. Feeling sleepy. Will reply to other comments later.
Prax said,
July 30, 2008 @ 11:14 am
life is so funny. we decide what we are by what others say we are. btw, i usually feel lonely at 3 in the noon, when there are no unreplied mails in the inbox and the entire office around is buzzing with activity
Cuckoo said,
July 31, 2008 @ 12:16 am
Rauf ji,
Loneliness is a state of mind Cuckooji… I can not fully agree here.
i can never get tired of that song.. Neither do I.
Peter,
I empathize with you but if one is not getting his space then ? How long can he survive ?
Tarun,
Perhaps… but is it possible always ? Forever ?
Prax,
so true.
we decide what we are by what others say we are…
Ha Ha Ha… you are so funny. Always make me smile.
Thanks.
Alok Meshram said,
July 31, 2008 @ 1:08 am
If you really Love someone, you set them free, you trust them to take care of themselves, you keep faith in their ability to learn from their experiences.
If you have to put on a facade in front of a loved one, you really haven’t fathomed their Love for you, or they don’t really Love you, it’s just a compromise.
Love is not a cage, Love is freedom.
Cuckoo said,
July 31, 2008 @ 1:51 am
Alok M,
Glad to see your comment. You always see things with different perspective & give it a different meaning.
Well, it is not about ‘not loving’ each other but ‘too much loving’ and in the process an individual craves for his own private niche.
Alok said,
August 1, 2008 @ 9:11 pm
Every one of us so different and we experience so many things with the life in so many ways. I believe “life is a meaning less search until we find the meaning of it ” and nevertheless each meaning we perceive from this life gives us a different direction that we are?
Sometime it’s better to walk alone then with a crowd, ah! that’s the time one can realize who life can be different then the usual and it says about the good things stored for us without really braking its silence
Maverick said,
August 3, 2008 @ 1:33 pm
“And then you start craving for something that was not so absolute & flawless” so true, may be we need a little haphazardness to an otherwise organized life. I traveled today by bus after so many months and it felt great.
SiD.. said,
August 5, 2008 @ 1:30 am
Well… you are reminding me of something that may be become a reality for me soon..
Yes… may be the identity.. the ‘given’ names will be lost…
but for now… I am and I am going to enjoy these given names…
May be will come back to this post for some thinking after some years!!
Ranjeet said,
August 6, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
Did I miss a post by you on the recent event of a mother wanting to abort a baby after 24 weeks because it has probable abnormalities or you haven’t written one yet? Would like to see your thoughts on the same.
adi said,
August 21, 2008 @ 4:48 pm
of all the posts present on this page, i felt more attached to this compared to any other. its only recently that i felt the same and now, perhaps a little bit, i try to live my life as i want it. but, i’ve still a lot to go for.
thanks cuckoo.
Nisha said,
November 14, 2009 @ 8:34 am
Thought provoking and beautifully written. I hope the person has come over it.