Crime and Punishment
Today I’ll tell you a little about me, an Indian middle class girl.. .. Educated and working.
Today my engagement was called off.
It broke off for telling the truth. No, it should be confessing to the truth.
The person whom I was supposed to marry is highly educated, understanding and well settled in career and was chosen by my family after much effort. I would have been the luckiest bride to have him as my man.
Last month it was a grand affair with all distant relatives gathering and congratulating me and my parents. And today the same set of people are at both ends but brickbats have replaced bouquets. My parents are shell-shocked and so are my two younger sisters who till now were unaware of the whole thing.
I am numb.
I don’t know where to start from. I am not able to decide whose fault it is or who is ultimately responsible for this. Probably I have committed a crime, a sin.
Staring at space I can only recall how blissful I was for two years when I was in love with T. In spite of belonging to different castes it looked as if we were made for each other. For two long years we nurtured our relationship and dreamt of our future, our kids together. We had completely surrendered to each other .. .. physically & emotionally.
When my responsible parents started groom hunting, I smilingly told T that now it was time to tell our parents and to get married. I never knew I had put him in a discomforting situation and myself in an extremely shocking one. He said he never meant marriage.
Oh ! So, was that all only my dream ? Was the house we decorated together for our lust and not for our love ? Or was he bored of me now ?
He nearly smothered me by his lame unreasonable statements and behaviour. There was no way I could convince him. Utter melancholy rained down on me.
I held back my tears and decided then. I wanted to survive, I wanted to live my life.. .. with or without him.
I completely cut myself off from him but could not imagine myself to fall in love again. I had resigned to my fate.
It was well over six months when my parents got lucky (yes, in India parents of daughters are considered fortunate if they get a good family where there is no demand). Emotionless, I told them everything despite the fact that my father is a heart patient. I wanted to tell the boy also. My parents were dumbfounded. One of my aunts was taken into confidence and together it was conspired to silence my voice for the betterment of family. I was ordered to keep mum about my past.
Thus amidst fanfare, I was engaged to a wise unaware man and his family. Our wedding was a few months away. I was in dilemma. Inside, my guilt was killing me. Even after failing in trust, I always thought it is the foundation of any relation.
T couldn’t see me walking out on him and trying to lead a normal life. Yesterday he vomited it all in front of my fiancé. He was shocked, did not believe T and asked me. I could not hold anymore and confessed him the truth.
My world has shattered but my conscience has won at last.
I believed in love and trust but could not judge it. It was my mistake. I know I have committed a crime of having a failed relationship and have been given an appropriate punishment for it. Not only me but my family also has to bear the consequences. My parents, my sisters will have to take the brunt. Life will not be the same for us.
Even though T was an equal partner in this crime, no one is making a fuss about his past.
I want to ask.. .. As a society what options do you really give a girl like me to live life ? Aren’t mistakes to be forgiven for me as well ? I have suffered enough and will repent it for my life. What wrong have I done if I want to live again ? Would you have behaved in the same way had I been a boy ?
And lastly ask yourself - ..Will you, as an individual try to change it ?
Will you marry me ?
Note:- This is outcome of a true story written by someone, I have slightly twisted it to respect the privacy but the gist is same.. I have asked for permission to link to it. Even if I don’t get, I wanted to spread the word.
I am in no way related to the protagonist, just wanted to get into her shoes.
Update:- I am not linking to real story to respect the privacy of all involved. Thanks for all comments and concerns.
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aNoop aka --xh-- said,
September 25, 2008 @ 10:23 am
T is a first rate bastard - sorry for the harsh word, but that is all what I have to tell about T.
And if the chose groom dumped the would be bride just coz she had an affair, then he is a first rate idiot - I thought people would have got mature by education and job, but this guy is still living in past.
In my case, it does not matter an iota if my would-be wife had one or more affairs - I fail to see how does it matter. So yeah, If I was in the guys shoes, the revelation would not have made any effect, and I would have asked T to f**k off.
Kanan said,
September 25, 2008 @ 11:09 am
Hmm
“T was an equal partner in this crime” - that’s right, it takes two to tango but now “my conscience has won at last” should be all that matters now. Life needs to move on and it does, with time things will get better. T is not going to get anywhere better, let me tell you that much right now.
Kanan said,
September 25, 2008 @ 11:12 am
I like aNoop’s answer, btw.
Mayank said,
September 25, 2008 @ 11:36 am
Cuckoo,
you write with so much passion that it alwys jolts us.
Reality has struck again.
I dont think in indian society many guys will marry a girl like her. everyone wants a clean slate. after all it is a matter of family’s prestige.
i think at most she can get a widower or a divorcee and thatz a fact of life.
Very apt title for the post. Kudos to you for writing this post. don’t worry to link the post. Let it remain private.
Ram N said,
September 25, 2008 @ 11:37 am
Quite sad to see how the people work / react. T & equally the Groom to be are showing their true colours …..
~nm said,
September 25, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Neither of them deserve you at all. T was an a coward and the person you were engaged to is living in ancient times it seems. Good that you figured out how shallow his thoughts and ideas are.
I know it hurts right now. It will and I won’t even say to not feel that way.
If only I could give you a hug in person.
**HUGS**
Alok Meshram said,
September 25, 2008 @ 2:27 pm
Usually I don’t like to meddle with others’ lives, or give opinions on the basis of one recounting of the past. There may be a lot hidden, there may be some (voluntary or involuntary) misrepresentations.
But this time, I’d like to ask something which applies to me, you, anybody who has had friends and has found support in being with somebody else:
Is it that easy to waive off two years of a relationship, just like that?
I agree that T’s attitude towards marriage and commitment is irresponsible, but if he really loved the protagonist, would he be able to stand living without her or without being involved with her? When T went ahead and told the groom, is he acting out of jealousy or because he still feels for the protagonist? I’m sure T would be in as much agony as the protagonist is.
Does getting married to a “intelligent, rich, well-settled” guy who you don’t trust enough to reveal your past mistakes ensure that the rest of your life will be happy and satisfied?
So if you ask me, it’s not as much about society and it’s prejudice against women as a matter of trust and comfort between two people.
Ajeya Rao said,
September 25, 2008 @ 4:55 pm
I have seen an almost close to this situation. And in it the fiancee married the girl. Its all the mindset, i guess.
Tarun said,
September 25, 2008 @ 6:51 pm
Hmmm,
Brave step to take.
Well done I must say.
Confess I have nothing o do with T.
Nirav said,
September 25, 2008 @ 7:22 pm
Quite a moving story, and I really feel for the girl who went through this.
However, this is one of the incidents which (hopefully) she will be able to look back at, after a few years, and feel lucky and happy that this happened. At present, everyone would unequivocally say that both the guys in the story were losers of the first order and deserved nothing less than a public castration. However, the girl would be overwhelmed with thoughts of “Why Me?”
I hope she sees the fact that she is better off without these S-O-Bs and hopefully, one day she’ll get what she deserves and in hindsight she’ll thank god for this incident.
I know it’s easier said, but it’s much better for her to live alone than to live with either of these guys. But human mind sadly, does not work that way… many would prefer to be in a bad relationship than be alone, which does not make any sense to me at all… Hope she finds strength
satish said,
September 25, 2008 @ 8:18 pm
The “T” has Hurt her and ” indian Society” doesnt let the Wound to heal. God only knows how many innocent girls like this are crushed in this MCP society.
I sincerely hope that one day, she re-builds her “house” and decorates it with love minus that pig “T”.
and i hope T suffers badly .
Cuckoo said,
September 25, 2008 @ 8:51 pm
Anoop,
Well, as I said I have twisted the story a bit but yes someone does what he has done here, then your word is very apt. I agree with you.
I appreciate your views on this. I feel the same if this was true.
No, in spite of good education the people can not be so kind hearted to accept the harsh realities. They want a clean slate. Had it not been an arranged marriage where elders and the family prestige are involved, probably the groom would have thought the other way. I am giving him a benefit of doubt or maybe I am an optimist.
Kanan,
Welcome to my blog. I saw your both blogs and commented on one of them.
Yeah, we should be optimist but we don’t know the real reason of their split as I said I have twisted the story a bit but yes if someone does what he has done here, then your words are very apt. I agree with you.
Anoop is very sweet. He always answers bluntly and to the point.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
Cuckoo said,
September 25, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
Mayank,
Thank you. I just tried to get into the girl’s shoes and the pain was enormous.
everyone wants a clean slate. after all it is a matter of family’s prestige… Exactly this I wrote in my previous comment. Not everybody has a big heart… in fact very few people can do it.
Yes, have decided not to link it.
Thanks.
Ram,
Well, I can not blame the groom because most of us would have done the same. Yeah, had he kept her past as a secret from his elders and married her.. maybe yes but we don’t know the real situation. How difficult it was for him.
The fact is that it is very difficult to digest if a girl has physical relationship with someone else. We are not that matured to take it easily. Even if she tries to forget her past, something or the other will keep haunting her.
Vands said,
September 25, 2008 @ 9:59 pm
I don’t get it, I mean first thing T is just … (i dont wanna write swear words) but he deserves all of em. love or no love even if uve shared a fairly nice relationship for even say 2 months , most ppl wud not think bad for sucha person and this guy did this for his girlfrnd of two yrs who also happened to love him!! Ego is the word, bas jab woh hurt hota hai toh dimaag sochna band kar deta hai.
As for the groom, I agree it must’ve come as a shock but i still feel that he should have atleast sit her down and talked and been mature enough to not blow it outta proportion, esp not bring her family into this… itna toh soch hi sakte hain ki family ki izzat rakhni hoti hai, and these kinda things have future repercussions.
Basically it all boils down to the ego hurt… most guys just can’t take it … unfortunately no one teaches them that…
Cuckoo said,
September 25, 2008 @ 10:27 pm
NM,
NM !! Have you read the post completely ?? You have not.
Heyy relax babe ! It’s not me. But I accept your hugs. Thank you.
Hmmm… that also shows that I wrote well.
Cuckoo said,
September 25, 2008 @ 10:33 pm
Alok,
Bravo !!
You always come up with something intriguing. You are the only one to think it from T’s perspective.
As I said I have twisted the story a bit so we don’t know the real reason of their split but yes he did go ahead & told the groom.
I would like to say a few things here.. first, if he was not interested in institution of marriage he should have made it clear in the begining itself. Now he has no right to not let her marry someone else.
Second, maybe now, after seeing her go away he felt for her and tried in his own way to stop her but again this was not the way to play with some girl & her family’s prestige.
I am sure the girl would have tried every bit to convince him before agreeing for an arranged marriage.
Even now before approaching the groom, he should have spoken to the girl first to be together again. I think the girl is the most matured out of those three. She would have definitely given him a chance again.
“Does getting married to a “intelligent, rich, well-settled” guy who you don’t trust enough to reveal your past mistakes ensure that the rest of your life will be happy and satisfied?.. “ No, Absolutely not. But she had to take a step and on her step depended many other things. She couldn’t have lingered on something surreal.
Cuckoo said,
September 25, 2008 @ 10:41 pm
Ajeya,
It takes a lot of courage and heart to do that. Kudos to that guy who did it.
Tarun,
Didn’t get you. Who has done well here ? The girl ? But she is in a mess right now.
@lok said,
September 25, 2008 @ 10:58 pm
Its unfair to comment on others life without enough knowledge; I know everyone of us have different perspective or experience on life… Now, since you have put it in a form of story and seeking answers from your readers based on it …. I have something to say which may not totally make sense here but that’s my answers …
***As a society what options do you really give a girl like me to live life ?
Who is this society? It’s you and me of course and is anybody else left out ? In those two happy years you have ever cared to ask what are those problems that exist in the society? or how you can contribute to resolve them positively… why to blame when you are in trouble? Yes! there are options, and why the hell that cry that you are a girl? You are educated enough to understand what you are/were doing or rather what you can do?
*** Aren’t mistakes to be forgiven for me as well ?
Of course they are …, Well! we all do mistakes. If you think you can forgive T for whatever he did ? then you have the answer. Don’t look at others. Look at your own eyes.
*** I have suffered enough and will repent it for my life. What wrong have I done if I want to live again ?
Its not just you, what about your parents ? Even they wanted you to re-live. Did you ever asked them how they are feeling about all these things ? What is your responsibilities towards them before asking anybody else. 20 years or so (I guess) you failed to understand them then how you are expecting in two years you will understand love for someone else.
*** Would you have behaved in the same way had I been a boy ?
Come on! what kind of sympathy you are looking for? You are a modern girl, educated and working but still wondering what if you are a boy then T would be a girl.
*** ..Will you, as an individual try to change it ?
Yes! I am there to change the world where every woman get a equal chance for education and for that matters anyone … Last but not the least anything that is required to make this world a better place to live. Now what change your talking about ?
@lok said,
September 25, 2008 @ 11:16 pm
P.S : The you in the answers is addressed to the so called imaginary protagonist and not to you cuckoo
Cuckoo said,
September 25, 2008 @ 11:43 pm
Nirav,
I understand your viewpoint. Well, without doing anything concrete we, the people always hope for the best. The girl also hoped that… the best. But in reality it doesn’t happen much.
We have to adjust to many things in life whether we like it or not. You said “many would prefer to be in a bad relationship than be alone,.. “ not in a relationship alone, many ppl don’t break their so called happy marriage for the sake of kids & family. Their own happiness is last priority.
Cuckoo said,
September 26, 2008 @ 12:20 am
Satish,
I completely agree with you.
lol… so many people cursing T except for ‘Alok M’ who has thought from T’s perspective.
Read his comment above. It opens another door for discussion.
Cuckoo said,
September 26, 2008 @ 12:57 am
Vandita,
Dear hona to bahut kuch chahiye but hota nahi hai na.
Maybe it’s T’s possessiveness or his ‘love’ for the girl that he can not see her going into someone else’s arms.
Even then before approaching the groom, he should have spoken to the girl first to be together again.
Whatever it was, that was not the way to behave/ruin one’s beloved’s life. Now he had no right to not let her marry someone else. But that was also spoilt.
I agree with you about the groom, he should have considered it but not all have that much guts. But like a good person not believing T, he asked her about the truth and when found correct could not go further. And hence family ki izzat...
I think the girl is the most matured out of those three.
Deepu said,
September 26, 2008 @ 4:32 am
Not a frequent reader here, just passing by. My humble views below.
I would not judge T without knowing more. Maybe if T also has passed a similar stage and thinks it may not work out between both of them. just kidding…. the intricacies of life can be quite surprising. ain’t it?
As for the society, that is a different story altogether. I think know this story could have been a real life incident for many, except for the ending, but the truth our society does not look kindly to such things. For those of us who admire D H Lawrence for the fact that he wrote all those novels over half a century ago the relatives views is unacceptable.
To love is part of being a human being. How can that be a crime?
In the end the protagonist is a victim of our society. Trust is a part of any relationship so if that is missing where could it be headed?
I have read a similar ending somewhere, but can’t remember.
Deepu said,
September 26, 2008 @ 4:37 am
oops i meant the groom when i meant T…..
Priyank said,
September 26, 2008 @ 6:03 am
Such an ubiquitous story. Women are looked down upon in virtually every society.
Nirav said,
September 26, 2008 @ 9:37 am
On second thoughts, I think I should not have come down so heavily on the fiance… again one can never know the inner details of the story, and we must remember that this is just the girl’s view point.
The girl herself committed a cardinal mistake by not telling the groom about this earlier. She should know that these things can never stay under wraps and have the tendency to rear their head at the most inappropriate moments (as it happened).
I know I have committed a crime of having a failed relationship and have been given an appropriate punishment for it
I think this statement is not correct… her crime is not the failed relationship, but is the fact that she chose not to tell her fiance about it at all, and the punishment she got is probably for that.
It’s anybody’s guess as to what the fiance would have done had she told him about it upfront and gently broken the news of a past relationship - but it is more likely that he would not have had a knee-jerk reaction to the saga, the way it panned out to be.
My point is that the girl needs to understand that her mistake was not the past relationship, but the way she chose to conceal her past from her fiance.
And if I was in her place, I would not have felt that my conscience has won, too… In that case, all criminals who confess under police interrogation can claim to have a clean conscience.
Sorry for the long one… but I don’t agree that the girl has been very mature too
peter said,
September 26, 2008 @ 1:46 pm
Interesting, discouraging… I guess things are changing a lot in India, but on this matter, obvioulsy very slowly.
~vagabond~ said,
September 27, 2008 @ 12:02 am
It’s just a messy, messy situation. What I dont get is why T felt the necessity to go talk to the fiancee when he hadnt been man enough to stand up for his relationship in the first place? Did he have a change of heart? Was he purposely wanting to break up the engagement so he could get her back? Was it a misunderstanding? Or was he just plain possessive?
As for the fiancee, I dont blame him for feeling betrayed. She should have been honest with him from the very start. For crying out loud, she was getting married to the man. He deserved some honesty. But then there’s also a thing such as being self-righteous. We dont know anything about the fiancee. Who knows what secrets loom in his past? There’s a lot that they dont know about each other. And then there’s the girl. While my heart goes out to her for her pain over having faith in love, I just dont think she was ready to get engaged to someone else. Anyone else. She had barely come out of one relationship and was ready to ruin another relationship by starting it off with secrets. I’m happy that her engagement was broken, because it will give her time to dig within herself and find out what it is she wants out of life and love. The solution to a broken heart is NOT marrying the next guy that comes along.
So in the end, everyone wins.
Alok Meshram said,
September 27, 2008 @ 2:39 pm
Cuckoo,
See man, you know what marriage means, right?
It’s like a life-long worth of responsibility pasted onto you within an hour of vows promises rituals celebrations. I mean, it’s already a grueling job to take care of your own self, now you’ve got a spouse you’re responsible for too.
But you know, people do it, and successfully at that. They manage to be responsible for each other, they manage to stay together in the direst of circumstances. I don’t think that’s something that can be easily done, right? If you ask me, not without true, deep Love can someone achieve it.
On the flipside, haven’t we heard of countless cases of bride burning, cheating and physical/mental abuse amongst married couples? I think the reason behind it is this prevalent attitude of “Jaldi se shaadi karao iski”. In the haste to get married, the very foundation of marriage is lost. In the cases of Love developing after such a marriage, the story is happy. But in the rest of the cases, either you see compromise (and hence dissatisfaction) or outright war leading to irresponsible behaviour like I mentioned above.
In this story, I see the elements of a hasty marriage between the protagonist and the fiance. Even before the marriage we see heavy mistrust: the bride’s family is holding secrets from the bridegroom and assuming that he will accept his wife and her secrets once they get married (because divorce is not a very viable option). Doesn’t this feel like cheating? So why should the bridegroom marry a woman who, along with her family, chose to keep secrets from him even before marriage?
Next we come to the relationship between T and the protagonist. Not without Mutual Love could it have lasted for 2 years. It would have left deep marks on both their lives. As I said, it’s not easy to waive off 2 years of being with another person. You do not like being without them. With time you tend to forget, but it doesn’t heal completely.
The way society is, T cannot escape marriage forever. And when he has to, he would regret saying no to the protagonist, because given the strength of their relationship, he would tend to keep comparing his new wife to her, leading to dissatisfaction and resentment against his wife. So yes, I believe T did a foolish thing, but he is regretting it (When he went to the bridegroom and told him). And maybe he will regret it his whole life.
The solution, I’m not sure of. Maybe some more effort on the protagonist’s part could lead T back to her. If not, then maybe finding someone else who Loves her even after knowing that she has been physically involved with someone else would be much better than hastily trying to get married.
Cuckoo said,
September 27, 2008 @ 2:59 pm
Alok P,
Oh Alok, you have twisted the problem here !
In those two happy years you have ever cared to ask what are those problems that exist in the society? or how you can contribute to resolve them positively… why to blame when you are in trouble?… This is absolute unaccepted. Don’t twist the subject pls. How do you know whether she was helping the society or not ?
From your views it appears that such relationships should be an absolute NO-NO.
Yes! there are options, .. Kindly tell us that. Don’t just run around the bush.
If you think you can forgive T for whatever he did ? then you have the answer. .. Again, how do you know if she has (or would not have) forgiven him or not ? Here the question is from a girl’s pt of view whether she’d be forgiven or not where I don’t think it was her fault (besides hiding the truth from the groom that too on family’s insistence).
Its not just you, what about your parents ? Even they wanted you to re-live. Did you ever asked them how they are feeling about all these things ? What is your responsibilities towards them before asking anybody else…. Cool down.
Again, you are jumping to conclusions w/o getting in depths. She was very much concerned about her family and that’s why in spite of her own conscience asking her to tell everything to the perspective groom, she could not.
Come on! what kind of sympathy you are looking for? .. This is not an answer to that query.
Last but not the least anything that is required to make this world a better place to live… What do you mean by that ? Falling in love wasn’t a better world ?
Oh !! then I would be the first person to make this world unlivable.
Kiran said,
September 27, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
very touching story. If it is some1’s real life story, I am feeling so bad for the girl. Feel like slapping T.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Yes i am in full form today.
@lok said,
September 27, 2008 @ 10:54 pm
OMG! I know, I have asked some harsh questions but can’t it be taken as a litmus test? kahani mein twist but hey, unacceptable things happens to life. It was a pinch on my shoulder when I started thinking other way round but without any conclusion. The point in the first answer was to find out, if you want to see a change… then be a change. But you have returned it with an assumption that it was all negative q in the ans and the rest followed it…
Aiyooo! I never mea that way - “Falling in love wasn’t a better world”. How you concluded that ?
Celine said,
September 27, 2008 @ 11:02 pm
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes, but it is much better to take a harder look at those mistakes and learn from experience. Our past is a series of lessons that takes us to newer levels of living and loving. Any relationship we enter into, stay in, and in unfortunate cases end up with, teaches us necessary lessons of life.
I don’t like the use of the word ‘crime’ here. Getting into a loving relationship between two consenting adults, in my opinion, is not a crime.
If the protagonist is indeed “engaged to a wise” man (as you say he is), then he would perhaps try to forget her past, marry her, love her and try to lead a happy life with her.
Prax said,
September 28, 2008 @ 4:28 am
Cuckoo
this is an interesting post , that reminded me of the movie monsoon wedding, but life and movies don’t always gel
First this is a personal matter and worse a matter of a heart and this is a third person account so i partially agree with the first part of Alok Ps first comment
I agree that T is a rascal and that Indian society is still so called male dominated and all that. Frankly u cant change society overnight But why should women to be spared from taking some blame for this hypocrisy ?
In defense of the Bridegroom, the girl wanted a trophy husband, who in turn had his own expectations and one of them was of her being a virgin, which when not met, he broke off…
To answer the question
You cant get everything u want in life according to ur terms.
There are no guarantees in life , even if he did marry her there was no guarantee that she would not be rejected if the groom would have found out later…
It is high time the girl finds a person who she poses that question to, and gets the answer in the affirmative, and this is not an impossible task .
Cuckoo said,
September 28, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
Deepu,
Welcome to my blog. And don’t be just a passerby, be a regular here.
Well, the story is from a woman’s pt of view and since we don’t know the reason behind their split, we should not judge T also but the fact that he did go ahead & told the groom which I think was just not acceptable.
Similarly, I don’t think we can have anything against the groom. Most of us would have reacted to it in a similar fashion. He felt betrayed by a person whom he was supposed to spend rest of his life.
How can that be a crime?.. Yes, I agree with you. Love is in fact a blessing not a crime but look at it from the protagonist’s angle. She did something which failed terribly and now not only she was punished but her family is also suffering.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
Cuckoo said,
September 28, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
Priyank,
Such an ubiquitous story… Oh I didn’t expect this from you !! If you accept it like this then I see a bigger problem. We belong to a generation where we should be changing the world for betterment not just say “oh, it happens” and move ahead.
Manasa said,
September 28, 2008 @ 8:57 pm
you should’ve slapped T right then. As far as the fiance is concerned, he doesn’t deserve your love and affection.
Instead of T, imagine ex-girlfriend of ur fiance telling the same thing.
Whatever a man does is always taken for granted and what a woman does is considered to be a sin.
Though ppl are educated and well-settled, they aren’t educated to handle such things…
Cuckoo said,
September 29, 2008 @ 12:28 am
Nirav,
I think I should not have come down so heavily on the fiance… Absolutely !
Well, she always thought of telling her future partner but pressure from family and future of her two younger sisters pleaded her not to and she was not happy about it.
her crime is not the failed relationship, but is the fact that she chose not to tell her fiance about it… Well, she thinks the root cause of all this attributes to the relationship.
Yes, I also think had she told the fiance upfront, probably the things would not have taken this turn. He might still have not taken the alliance but family’s ‘prestige’ would have been under the covers.
Peter,
Keep reading, you’ll come to know of many facets of India and it’s culture !
Cuckoo said,
September 29, 2008 @ 12:57 am
Vagabond,
What I dont get is why T felt the necessity to go talk to the fiancee when he hadnt been man enough to stand up for his relationship in the first place?… Spot on ! That’s a debatable issue. But whatever was the reason, even if he had a change of heart, his behaviour is just not acceptable. He has shown sheer immaturity on his part.
I agree with you on fiance’s part. He must have felt betrayed. Had she told him upfront right in the begining, probably he would have still gone for the alliance.
I just dont think she was ready to get engaged to someone else. She had barely come out of one relationship… Well, the groom hunting was on for quite sometime and that’s when she had asked T about getting married. And when her parents got a match for her, she was already off this relationship for more than 6 months (it could be more) & somehow for their sake she couldn’t refuse them. We don’t know the truth but she should have taken some more time to decide on this.
ashes said,
September 29, 2008 @ 8:43 am
Another sad story in a male chauvinistic society. T is heights! He seems malicious in his evil endeavours. People here have already cursed T a lot above; I would rather not waste bandwidth on such a bastard. The fiance is no less; I cannot believe someone of our generation having so constricted beliefs.
Let me try to answer the questions posed by you rather than going into a lengthy diatribe (For brevity, let us call the protagonist U):
As a society what options do you really give a girl like me to live life?
Well, that is the saddest part in this society. But times are changing. Not everyone is like T or the fiance. This was just a normal incidence where things did not work out between two individuals. It was better called off now rather than a few years down the line.
Aren’t mistakes to be forgiven for me as well?
From my perspective, U did not commit any mistake at all.
I have suffered enough and will repent it for my life. What wrong have I done if I want to live again?
Why does U have to repent the entire life? Ok, calling of an engagement in India is a big deal, more so for the parents, but trust me, there are many people out there who do not consider this an impediment. The key is not getting worked up. Yes, it might delay things a bit.
Would you have behaved in the same way had I been a boy?
This question is addressed to the society in general, which would have behaved very differently in case of a boy. I, personally, would not have behaved like that with U in the first place.
Will you, as an individual try to change it?
Yes of course. I don’t know how to begin though. It requires chaning the mindsets of millions of narrow-minded Indians. Cuckoo has done a good job by putting U’s story in public for people to read and analyze that there was nothing wrong on U’s part, and start thinking with an open mind.
Will you marry me?
I would have, had I been in place of U’s fiance. We can try and see if things can work out.
The point is who is responsible for U’s sorry state, and what can we do to prevent future such traumas with other girls. The bigger culprit is the society that has been brewing such beliefs and giving biased treatments to partners in crime. It is a mindset, a thinking, a soch. Like in many other fields, an awakening needs to be done here as well. So what if the relationship did not work out the first time even after two years? T was a sonofabitch who shrugged off, and later spoilt the possible happy life U could have had. The fiance was either too constricted himself or was a coward and did not have the courage to stand up against older family members. So what? U should not bear the brunt. Let us try eliminating this mindset by starting off with people around us.
Cuckoo said,
September 29, 2008 @ 9:04 am
Alok M,
I agree to almost all your points even about T.
He surely did a foolish thing. On reconciling with T again … I don’t know whether that would be possible or not because we don’t really know the reason of split.
Here, we all are giving benefit of doubt to T which is good to paint a somewhat agreeable picture whereas the truth could be totally different. In that case… Aah !
Kiran,
Welcome here.
If it is some1’s real life story, I am feeling so bad for the girl. Feel like slapping T…. Of course it is a real story. So, you can slap him.
rauf said,
September 29, 2008 @ 9:07 am
Aren’t mistakes to be forgiven
What mistakes ?
what you did was a mistake ?
What rubbish !!
who will marry me ?
deah oh deah ! Wake up Cuckooji
is marriage end of everything ?
Good riddence !
you are saved
Thank jagat guru Maharaj Swami batata wada Anandji
go have an ice cream
go sleep peacefully cuckooji
Prax said,
September 29, 2008 @ 10:11 am
I was discussing it with friends and all of them agreed that virginity would not come in the way of taking the marriage decision.
One had interesting thoughts - he wanted to pose a question and turn this argument over
the girl in question go and tell the facts to the to be bride of T and see whether she would marry him, even after knowing the facts.
rauf said,
September 29, 2008 @ 11:04 am
Today I’ll tell you a little about me, an Indian middle class girl.. .. Educated and working ?????
that was misleading
Shrinky said,
September 29, 2008 @ 12:53 pm
I do not come from this culture, so it is difficult for me to comment. The poor girl is certainly a victim of double standards. In the west it is common for couples to marry after having known multiple prior partners, this is rarely deemed an issue over their suitability for marriage. But then we also have an alarmingly high divorce rate, and a growing number of single parent families struggling to survive. It is easy to condemn the high handedness of the potential groom and his family, and certainly this girl is still the same person she was that he once found so suitable, virgin or not. It seems the price of having a close-knit society with the benefit of an extended famimial support system (very often found lacking in the west), can sometimes come at a high price.
SiD... said,
September 29, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
Sad and Bad…. Jealousy - the worst aspect of human nature… and no one is far from it… everyday we feel jealous - be it the case above or simple things in life… some body put it correctly: grass on the other side is greener…
its a challenge actually for the mind to realise that ok.. this feeling i am getting is not right… shud do smthing to overcome it… so that the actions that follow this feeling are not bloody senseless and extreme as in the above case…
claytonia vices said,
September 29, 2008 @ 2:19 pm
Hmmm!
Lack of communication, no trust, jealousy, prejudices = Recipe for disastrous relationships!
Relationships at Blogbharti said,
September 29, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
[...] has an interesting take on relationships and an active comment section going. Please read the end of the post ‘Update’ before [...]
Manoj said,
September 29, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
Why blame the groom??
Let’s call the girl G. She and T lived for two years as man & wife - say what you may, but “For two long years we nurtured our relationship and dreamt of our future, our kids together,” i believe should be between a husband and wife.
G get’s engaged to Groom, let’s call X.
Maybe she was forced, to keep silent about this affair.
When, X comes to know about it, he walks out. My question here - did he break it off like a gentleman or did he make a hue and cry?
In G’s own words - (X) ‘did not believe T and asked me’ - i believe going by that, he would’ve been a gentleman.
Why blame X here? He had some expectations - doesn’t he have the right to feel betrayed? Thank your stars, this happened before your wedding and not after it, when it would’ve been more worse.
Who knows, X might have taken to drinking and started abusing G. I am not justifying that - just listing out a possibility.
I agree with Prax…
“In spite of belonging to different castes it looked as if we were made for each other” - oh, how they say, love is blind… BS that’s not the truth - love is blind to realities.
Dinesh said,
September 29, 2008 @ 8:10 pm
For a moment, I thought it was your story, until I read the last bit.
But you brought the emotions out much harder by writing it with empathy. T was an Idiot and the girl was in a tougher position and became her fault for having trusted T.
This is so unfortunate, but I believe there will be someone who can understand the girl and she would be married soon and have a good life. She should put her past away and look at what she has and look forward to a good future.
Vb said,
September 29, 2008 @ 8:49 pm
Can’t resist commenting with a story I saw closely.
Stage I : A boy and a girl fall in love. Got married filmi style since boy’s parents were all against it. (The issue was money: the girl was much poorer, had no parents, and people to take care of. Nor was the girl highly educated or working.). Girl’s family was all ready though. And the *girl* *was in love* (emphasis added, for there are things later.)
Stage II: After marriage, the girl is double minded. Still has an “old love” (who is too young actually) whom she is considering. She is involved emotionally and *physically*, that too *after marriage*. But she admits (or the guy finds out? I don’t know) it to the guy in due course. The guy *accepts her back*
Lesson 1. Not all guys are senseless. I know the life will be tough for girl for all the stupidity of T. in this case. But she can hope is to find a really mature person who’ll accept — at least the set isn’t null!
Stage III: (The drama here continued) The girl did it all again! And if you ask me, did many other things too. This time, after a long effort (by whom? girl’s relatives.), they are preparing for divorce. (I don’t know if the girl has *come back*, but judging her, she might have, and might have promised to be all nice. However this time I guess, the boy won’t relent again.).
Lesson 2: Some people are just idiots, they are best left alone. T. (who knows? Story is all partial) may be one of them!
sagarone said,
September 29, 2008 @ 11:15 pm
A sad story, but I have to agree with Manoj’s comment that love is blind to realities. The girl had two long years to find out whether the guy “T” was serious about marriage and starting a family with her. Not that this in any way exonerates “T” from being a bastard.
And the groom, had he found out earlier about this from the girl, who knows how he would have reacted? Trust is the basis of any relationship and the girl obviously did not place her trust in the groom and inform him about her affair.
Eclipsed Thoughts said,
September 30, 2008 @ 8:47 am
I wont say that the girl had to examine her relationship beforehand; i have been there and i know its nothing like that. Relationships are never examined- they are just a part of you. Yes, “T” is a bastard and it cannot be denied.
Maybe if the girl would have confided the groom about it beforehand, he would have taken it from a different way; in this situation it looked like she confessed only after she was convicted.
Being a girl if my fiance tells me the truth regarding any of his affairs “himself”, i can understand it as a part of growing, but if someone else tells me about it and then he confesses, i think i wont go for such a relationship.
Now regarding this girl, i dont think she is to be blamed because she confided the truth, but others silenced her voice when she wanted to speak. A bad mixture of circumstances and orthodox beliefs i guess.
Mayank said,
September 30, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
Once again, you wrote it with passion, very beautifully you did it again. shooting point blank raising so many question for society. Initially I thought it was your story.
As every one else has said, T is a bastard and nothing else. I don’t have anything to add to it.
I dont blame the groom bcoz I might have done the same thing. it actually depends on the circmstances in which he was told.
now the girl. she tried her best by telling her parens but as in our society it happens, she was told to shut up probably for many reasons. her 2 younger sisters’s future was also involved had this thing come in open and that is what happened in the end.
Let us hope she gets an understanding partner now.
I am glad you wrote it. very proud of you.
God bless you.
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 9:07 pm
Alok P,
The point in the first answer was to find out, if you want to see a change… then be a change.… Spot on ! Well said Alok. I am trying to be a change and that is the reason why this post appears here. Otherwise I could have also just passed it saying ‘Oh, this is so common. Nothing new’.
Again, you have read half the thing.
The sentence I wrote meant ‘If falling in love was not good, I would be the first person to break that rule’. 
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 9:10 pm
Celine,
I don’t like the use of the word ‘crime’ here. Getting into a loving relationship between two consenting adults, in my opinion, is not a crime…. It was the consequences that made the girl feel like she has committed one.
If the protagonist is indeed “engaged to a wise” man (as you say he is), then he would perhaps try to forget her past, marry her, love her and try to lead a happy life with her….That is over Celine. The engagement has been called off. This story is nakedly true.
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 9:14 pm
Prax,
Yes, T was not a man any girl would want to marry. He certainly broke all the rules of decency.
I agree with you on fiance’s part. He must have felt betrayed. Had she told him upfront right in the beginning, probably he would have still gone for the alliance.
And I am so happy to learn about your friends’ views. I think we, the people, can change this narrow mindedness. It is just the beginning.
Thanks for sharing your & your friends’ views here.
Keep coming.
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 9:19 pm
Manasa,
Cool down !!
It wasn’t me ! You have not read the complete story, have you ?
Well, I don’t blame the fiancé because many ppl would have done the same thing. He must have felt betrayed but how I wish he could have still considered the alliance. It would have been great.
Thanks for coming, keep doing that.
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 10:11 pm
Ashes,
Won’t say more.
You are a very matured and sensible person .
Well, I don’t curse the fiancé as much as I do to T.
First, I think he must have felt betrayed. Had she told him upfront right in the beginning, probably he would have still gone for the alliance or who knows.. .. just like the girl, he probably had family pressure.
But at the same time I also wish he could have made the difference. The difference we (I and you) can make… the difference that would have changed girl’s perspective about guys. The girl and her family would have ‘worshiped’ him literally. I am not talking about this from a metro city’s perspective. In smaller towns these kinds of decisions mean a lot.
From my perspective, U did not commit any mistake at all… Well, the mistake of not judging the person (T) earlier & properly.
Thank you. This bad bad world need people like you.
We, like minded people, together will definitely make the difference.
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 10:34 pm
Rauf,
What’s this Rauf ji ?
It seems you got confused, eh ?
Well, I wanted to be in that girl’s character to write this. So, it is advisable to read my articles till end. They are very confusing at times.
Prax,
the girl in question go and tell the facts to the to be bride of T and see whether she would marry him, even after knowing the facts… The irony is that 99% times the girl would have married him. Our society is such.
What do you say ?
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 10:41 pm
Shrinky,
Yes, western culture is way too different. I am glad that you read this post and commented. Much appreciated. And for you also it would have been an eye opener.
certainly this girl is still the same person she was that he once found so suitable, virgin or not… You said it !! but in India virginity is still a big taboo. It is changing but the percentage is very small.
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 11:03 pm
SiD,
Whether that was jealousy or a kind of revenge, I fail to understand.
Claytonia,
Welcome again after a long gap.
Hmmm.. yes.
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 11:19 pm
Manoj,
Welcome on my blog.
Well, they were in a physical relationship.
Yes I agree with you on the groom part. If you read my replies to others, I said the same but at the same time I wish he could have made the difference by being different.
love is blind to realities…. Very true !
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
lakshmi said,
September 30, 2008 @ 11:24 pm
I guess I will be repeating what a few others feel, but here are my thoughts on the same..I can feel the girl’s predicament and the hypocricy of todays society which comprises as you say people like you and me who have doublestandards..It takes courage to step out of this and accept reality..and the only one who has it is the girl ..Im sure she will find a man who deserves her..as for T, he cannot be forgiven - no matter what excuses he gives for this..I can to a certain extent understand the bridegroom ’s predicament ..Maybe if the truth had come out from the girl, it would have been a different scene..its probably getting to hear it from the ex boyfriend that hurt his ego ? Well, these questions dont solve the problem..maybe the problem is us, to a certain extent our upbringing and our beliefs that do not approve of love before marriage ..
Cuckoo said,
September 30, 2008 @ 11:54 pm
Dinesh
Thank you for liking the post. I sometimes get into the character.
We can all only hope that she gets a good husband.
Thanks for your visit, keep again.
VB,
Welcome to my blog.
And many thanks for sharing that story with us here. Yes, not all are equal and not all behave in a similar fashion.
Let us hope the best for the girl.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
Prax said,
October 1, 2008 @ 12:08 am
maybe 90%
but i do agree - our society is like that only
Cuckoo said,
October 1, 2008 @ 12:39 am
Sagarone,
Welcome on my blog.
Yeah, in this case love was indeed blind. And ha ha … T is everybody’s target. He deserves it.
I agree with you on the groom part. If you read my replies to others, I said the same but at the same time I wish he could have made the difference by being different.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
Cuckoo said,
October 1, 2008 @ 12:41 am
Eclipsed Thoughts
Very well written comment.
Once inside a relationship I guess it is difficult to judge of its success unless there are turbulent effects.
Yeah, it makes a difference if the person directly tells a secret or it comes from a third person. Maybe then the groom would have reacted in a different way.
Except for one or two, I don’t think anyone raised a finger at the girl. She is victim of this narrow minded society. We can all only hope that she gets a good husband.
Thanks for your visit, keep again.
Cuckoo said,
October 1, 2008 @ 12:56 am
Mayank,
Thank you. I know you are a great fan of mine.
Let us hope the best for the girl.
Thank you once again, I am humbled. Keep coming.
Cuckoo said,
October 1, 2008 @ 1:05 am
Lakshmi,
It is very difficult to be in this kind of relationship. And on top of that humiliation. The groom was a common man who could not rise above expectations and hence this result.
rauf said,
October 1, 2008 @ 5:27 am
well well well Cuckooji,
while reading your post the reader believes it happned to you
this may have happened to some one else
but the title is yours
Crime and Punishment ?
So, according to you pre marital sex is a crime,
or a mistake to be forgiven.
Perhaps the neanderthals or the people of
stone age had no such hangups.
will you marry me ?
i can only smile
i stick to the first comment
please tell her to discard her old clothes
wear new ones and have an ice cream
and drool over latest iPhone.
pre marital sex is not a crime Cuckooji
it is as clean as having a breakfast
as divine as praying in a temple.
Cuckoo said,
October 1, 2008 @ 7:38 am
Rauf ji,
while reading your post the reader believes it happned to you… Sometimes I prefer to get into the character’s shoes.
No, speaking in strict sense, the title is not mine either.
It was her thought process, it was her who now, after all this has started to think that pre-marital sex in a failed relationship is a crime.
The story is almost true with very minimal changes to protect the privacy part. The views are hers.
I am sorry if I have offended you in any way. But you and me might think the other way, the truth remains the same. In India, it still is a taboo if you go to a smaller town. Metros have somewhat accepted it.
Thanks for your valuable comment, much appreciated. Keep coming regularly.
Deepu said,
October 1, 2008 @ 9:26 am
I guess, it is a question of whether the relationship between two people who were in love or was it one sided, or was it never “love” ? The final incident confuses me. ah these questions!
btw, anyone read The Pact by jodi picoult ?
Cuckoo said,
October 1, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Deepu,
Well, Being together for two years can not be one sided I guess. There has to be some reason to it.
And the end baffles me equally !! Why on earth did he do so ? *Banging my head*
Not me, I haven’t read it but now have marked in my list. Looks quite interesting. Thanks for the tip.
Sunanda said,
October 4, 2008 @ 12:28 am
Well all I can say is whatever happens, happens for the good. It was good in a way that the groom had refused to marry her. The protagonist had stated that she felt her conscience had won ,which is true because I think it would hurt her so much to marry a person who had accepted her without knowing her past. She would be totally unhappy hiding this from him her entire life, maybe not loving him equally in return. She would feel so happy, blessed and would consider the groom to be her true soulmate if he would have accepted her being informed about everything. We cannot say how the groom would have acted if he knew before.
But as the previous readers said, there are very few people in this world who have a big heart and are ready to start their life with someone forgetting all about their pasts.
All we can hope for is that the protagonist find a good match for herself to get married, however I think she has completely lost all faith in the institution of marriage and above all, love. I like other people feel pity for her because she was betrayed twice in life and never got to feel how beautiful love is. I just hopes she finds it very soon.
M said,
October 4, 2008 @ 5:03 am
I usually don’t comment on any blogs. But I feel compelled to respond to this one because I have been in a similar situation. In that I broke up with a boyfriend of 5 years, with whom I had a physical relationship. The reasons were similar - he was unwilling to get married.
Later, I met a guy - he liked me and I liked him. I told him about my past, the minute I realized what was afoot between us. It really shook him. It took him a while, several months actually, before he could reconcile and look past it.
Some unsolicited advice -
1. Be strong. The social stigma - this is the hardest. And it is hard because you see your parents, your family suffer. When I broke up with my boyfriend, everyone in my family and friends circle knew about him. In my reckless faith that we would be together forever I had never taken care to hide anything. I can understand the shame you feel. And I know it is worse in your case.
I can only give you one piece of advice - be strong. I can tell you what I did, which wasn’t great but worked - I ran. I moved away. Different place. Different people. Fresh start. I could not have handled the shame on top of the pain I felt. I am not sure what your situation is. But if you can get away, I would strongly recommend it.
2. Be honest. I really think the situation would have worked out very differently if you had confided in your fiance to begin with. After I broke up, my parents tried to fix me up with a guy. I told him right in the beginning, in the first or second conversation. He said - no big deal, past is past. Many guys, these days, understand. It is not a deal breaker. But you need to be honest with them from the beginning. Either ways, its better to know, sooner rather than later, how the guy is going to react.
I can understand why your fiance is upset. Marriage is all about trust. How can you trust someone who is not honest with you ? Secondly, it was your ex who told him. Now your fiance must be wondering, what the hell is going on. Are these two still involved ? why is this guy coming and telling me things if there is nothing going on ? Really, think about it - which guy would want to step into a situation like that.
This is not the end of the world. I know it feels like it is. But its not. You learn and move on. It will be hard for a while. Then it will get better. You will find someone else who is willing to look beyond your past.
3. MOVE AWAY FROM YOUR EX : I don’t know your exact situation. But it is obvious this guy T is still playing at something. Otherwise he wouldn’t go to your fiance. DUMP this guy. Get him out of your life. HE IS TOXIC. I know you know this. Which is why you dumped him in the first place. But no matter what he says, please do yourself a favor. You deserve better than this slimeball. Don’t get pressured by - who will marry me ? etc. Believe me there are guys out there willing and much more worthy than this parasite.
There is no use railing and ranting about how people are supposed to feel. There is no use feeling sorry for yourself. Friends will say - oh T is a bastard. They will be gone tomorrow. But this is your life, and only you have to face it. Well, you and your family. I pray, really pray, that God should give you the strength and courage you need.
This too shall pass. Thats what I used to tell myself on the darkest days - this too shall pass.
Cuckoo said,
October 4, 2008 @ 7:51 pm
Sunanda,
First let me welcome you on my blog.
Yes, I agree with you that the engagement was called off now instead of having a marriage break up later. It did good to the girl as well. She is now free of all the guilt. It is another thing that right now her family is going thru the utter shock.
I also think that had she herself told the groom in the beginning, things would have been a bit different. Even if he wasn’t ready to marry her, who knows they could have become friends.
Thanks for your visit, I hope to see you more often here.
And check your mail-box.
Cuckoo said,
October 4, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
M,
Welcome to my blog.
Thank you very much for sharing your bitter experience here. I applaud your gesture. It is overwhelming to see those so encouraging words. You have perfectly depicted the sentiments of all involved.
I also wrote a mail thanking you but without any success.
BTW, it wasn’t me but some other girl. I just wanted to get into her shoes. I couldn’t have revealed her identity, anonymity for anyone is my first priority and I always respect that.
I wanted the issue to see some light and force people to think.
I will publish your comment as a fresh post for all to read. It will definitely inspire many. The world is not yet finished.
Many thanks for your visit and a touchy comment. Wish to see you here more often.
trisha said,
October 5, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
hi, read YOU on my readr ths time, thx for shwng me how, n good to see you at Priyank’s aft a long time, cdnt help cmmntng abt tht thr, and now Cuckoo to ths matter here, my two bit on this is, Maybe, Maybe - we, women are responsble? We teachers and mothers arent quite doing it rt, u knw? we r brngng up batch aft batch of insensitve, emotionally and spiritually impotent pple, why blame the tree? Lets face it - and turn back to the ones who sow the seed and r supposed to nurture the sapling? Do we tke care to thnk abt wht we r doing wth the children, wht we tell them and do we care to teach them to love and forgve and be compassionate and tolerant? We r just happy if they stay quiet in class/at home and get good results and in the end mkw money and be smbdy, do we care to responsbly bring them upto be “good” ?
There is still some light.. said,
October 6, 2008 @ 12:27 am
[...] morning I received a comment on my post “Crime & Punishment” by a female who has been in a similar situation. I [...]
Cuckoo said,
October 6, 2008 @ 1:13 am
Trisha,
Thanks for your comments.
I am sorry to say that I don’t agree with you on this.
Maybe - we, women are responsible? We teachers and mothers arent quite doing it rt, .. Why only women ? You mean men are not responsible for bringing up kids or they are not responsible for making them human beings ?
No, I can not think that all the responsibility is for women folk to raise good natured human beings and men can continue to behave like T.
Priyank said,
October 6, 2008 @ 8:13 am
Cuckoo, I wasn’t trying to undermine the story or the issue at all. No way. I am sure all your readers are enlightened enough and we are fighting our little battles trying to improve things.
I tend to agree with Trisha. Mothers have a strong role to play in growing up children and fathers don’t interfere beyond a certain limit. Unfortunately I find mothers esp in rural areas supporting the male superiority feel by feeding their sons more and stuff like that. I don’t think she is trying to discount the role of a father, but a mother is afterall a mother and boys are usually mama’s boys. My mom made both me and my sister sweep the floor in turns. Some of my relatives didn’t like it. ‘To hell with them’ - these are the actual words I used once.
Manasa said,
October 7, 2008 @ 2:52 am
I knew it wasn’t you
I had read the complete story-the NOTE you mentioned in the end of this post..
Nandan Jha said,
October 9, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
I know of many cases (very close friends, relatives and probably thats why I know) where there are happy couples who had a past life and the now-couples are aware about others’ past life. In most of the cases which I know of, the girl had a relationship.
I am sure that you (the one who suffered this and not you) would find someone else who wont be bothered about T. I really dont know about T so it would be incorrect to blast T , giving him the benefit of doubt.
A failed relationship is not one of the most uncommon things and it would be stupid to decide your action based on someone’s past failed relationship.
Georgie b said,
October 26, 2008 @ 5:03 pm
Hi there.
All I can say is that this is rather unbelievable.
I know only a little about Indian culture, due to not being overly exposed to it, but have been lucky enough for the people I’ve deal with in my day-to-day activities to graciously tell me about their culture, but it seems to me that the other participant in this incident has a lot of nerve to do what he did.
It really does boggle my mind that double standards in other countries are so deeply ingrained in the fabric of life. I really do feel for this girl and I hope somehow, some way, she can recover from this insult and get back to what she was.
Cuckoo said,
October 30, 2008 @ 9:38 am
Priyank,
Well, mothers have a strong role to play if they themselves have the power of doing it. A place where father has dominance, I don’t think a woman can go very far even if she wants to.
Your mother is great but I have seen homes where if mother wants her son to do some small work, father stops saying it is not guys’ work.
I think both father and mother have influences on a child… less or more is a different issue… let us not digress from the main topic.
Here, maybe T was of the opinion that women are playthings and males can exploit them as & when they want.
Manasa,
You are one intelligent person I met here.
Cuckoo said,
October 30, 2008 @ 9:40 am
Nandan,
Welcome here on my blog.
Yes, a failed relationship isn’t the end of the road but in this case T’s behaviour was unwelcomed by one and all.
Whatever would have been the reason, had he truly loved the girl, he wouldn’t have done so for her happiness at least.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.
Cuckoo said,
October 30, 2008 @ 9:44 am
Georgie,
I welcome you here on my blog.
Well, Indian culture is very weird. Even we can not understand it at times.
Double standards ?? … yes, we strongly have. Some richness some shallowness.. all part of life which is taking its own time to change.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming to know more about India or Indian culture.
Best Comment of the … .. said,
November 8, 2008 @ 10:41 am
[...] first Most Valued comment of October was from M on my post Crime & Punishment where she shared her own story with us and showed the way to cope with this [...]
pinku said,
November 17, 2008 @ 4:31 pm
cuckoo….like M i too have been through something like this, had a relation for 9 years which didnt work out…moved on got engaged to a guy and told him everything about my past, he appreciated my honesty … then later (post marriage) mistreated me saying that i dont deserve any better being “second hand” so to speak…
Sharad said,
November 20, 2008 @ 8:57 pm
hmmm…made me cry… dont ask me why…
Cuckoo said,
November 22, 2008 @ 1:35 am
Pinku,
Kudos to you for your honesty !!
And you know that is what I am always apprehensive of …. it is very difficult for a man to forget & forgive. However sensitive & matured he is, this thing will always be there in the back of his mind. And he’ll take the revenge or pour out his frustration.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, keep coming.
Sharad,
You are a sensitive person.
Ashish Gupta said,
December 3, 2008 @ 12:31 am
Is it a story? Then why waste our time discussing it? I will assume it is not.
T is wrong, of course. But you will be wrong to start your relationship with hiding such important fact. And frankly, I have to agree your fiance is right too. In this story, every one is right (except T) but every one is victim too.
I will start with you. Definitely you have right to live again, but unfortunately, everyone must bear the consequence of their mistake. It is definitely wrong, but then life is unfair, and as I said in this story, all are victims only.
About your finance. Would he not be shocked that you and your family hid such important part from him? Assume he is magnanimous and forgives. Theoretically he should, but not necessarily since humans are fallible. When you are at vulnerable moment you consider him luckiest groom. Consider his feeling. He is an compromise to you. Whether you want it or not you will compare him to your past lover. Physically and otherwise. I am a man and I know will not be able to take it. You may promise 100% fidelity after marriage but you have to go out of way to make sure he doesn’t feel inadequate. That implies that that past hast to be completely erased. Never mention your past lover in any situation. This may sound easy thing to do when you are hurt but with time your feelings for your jilted lover will soften. Circumstances may conspire. Your husband may not turn out as ideal as he should. You may regret marrying him. He will always be unsure, and that’s why he cancelled engagement.
It’s unfortunate, but we must bear the prices of our choices.
kanagu said,
January 21, 2009 @ 1:14 pm
That is kind of patriarchal we are living where the guys are going out of relationship just like that and society agress that as a man he can do what he wants. But what is really disheartening is instead of the guys getting responsible even gals are not afraid of breaking the relati0nships now. And I am not expecting this kind of equality
Musings » Blogging, a tricky affair ? Part-IV said,
April 23, 2009 @ 8:59 pm
[...] again I’ll cite my example. I wrote Crime & Punishment based on someone’s narration of certain facts as a third person where the narrator was not a part [...]