तुम ही बताओ
Ok, I am being myself and starting the year with an amorous poem that I wrote sometime back.
Volunteers (this is for anyone who reads this… especially Abhi, Ashes, Lazy, Deepu, Sandeip, Kanan etc.), please help in translation for my non-Hindi readers. Much appreciated. I know translations are never the same but we need to give them something to have an idea.
I am just short of time. You can leave the translation in comment section & I’ll update the post. Thank you.
P.S.- More than one translation are welcome whole heartedly.
रात में सोने से पहले
तुम थे पास लेटे
मेरे बालों से खेलते
बंद आँखों में भी तुम थे
सपनों को गुदगुदाते
पूरे बदन में मीठी सी सिहरन दौड़ाते
आँख खुली तो तुम बन आए
पहली किरण और चूमा था
मेरी पलकों को
तुम ही बताओ तुम कैसे हो मुझसे जुदा ?
Ok, the attempted translation by Unmukt. I have changed a few words to make it more meaningful. You can see his version in comment section.
Before I went off to sleep;
you were there lying next to me;
Playing with my hair.
You were there even in my dreaming eyes.. ..
playing, tickling and
touching me personally.
When I woke up;
you came as first ray of sun;
and kissed my heaving eyelids.
Who says you are not with me ?
Current song- Juda Hoke Bhi Tu Mujhme Kahin Baki Hai – Aadat
Technorati Tags:- Poetry Love Hindi
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--xh-- said,
January 6, 2009 @ 12:31 pm
needs translation
Rahi said,
January 6, 2009 @ 1:02 pm
vaah akhir poetry kar hi diya aapne. really beautiful.
Shekhar said,
January 6, 2009 @ 1:16 pm
Nice poem… To kaun hain woh khush naseeb?
Mayank said,
January 6, 2009 @ 1:38 pm
With a little eroticism but romantic also.
Liked it. very soothing. smile aa gayi.
Ajeya Rao said,
January 6, 2009 @ 1:50 pm
Nice poem!
उन्मुक्त said,
January 6, 2009 @ 3:14 pm
Before I used to go off to sleep;
you lay next to me;
Playing with my hair.
Even when I slept;
you were there in my dreams;
Touching me personally.
When I woke up;
you were as sun rays;
kissing my eyelids
Who says that you are no longer with me.
शायद मेरी पहली टिप्पणी इस चिट्ठे में हिन्दी से अंग्रेजी अनुवाद के ऊपर था। भाई मुझसे तो यह नहीं होगा पर मुझसे जैस हो सका वह किया। मुझे यह लगा यह किसी ऐसे व्यक्ति के बारे में हो अब इस दुनिया में नहीं है। इसी लिये भूत काल का प्रयोग किया है।
Abhi said,
January 6, 2009 @ 7:21 pm
As always, nice writing..with a much deeper meaning than the eye can see(I mean…read)…
And translation will be very literal, I think उन्मुक्त did a good job.
Cuckoo said,
January 6, 2009 @ 10:52 pm
Anoop,
Don’t be sad, it’s there now.
Rahi,
Thank you lekin aapne translate nahi kiya na ise.
Cuckoo said,
January 6, 2009 @ 10:53 pm
Shekhar,
Thank you.
To kaun hain woh khush naseeb? .. Ab kya batayein aapko ?
Mayank,
Thank you.
Cuckoo said,
January 6, 2009 @ 11:03 pm
Ajeya,
Thank you.
Unmukt ji,
अहो भाग्य हमारे जो आप पधारे और अनुवाद किया |
लेकिन अरे ! आपने तो बेचारे को मार ही डाला !
यह रूमानी कविता उसके लिए है जो शायद परदेस में है या फ़िर कोई सेना का जवान जो देश की रक्षा में जुटा है और इस समय इस पात्रा से दूर है |
मैंने इसी बात को देखते हुए थोड़े शब्द बदल दिए हैं | कृपया बताएं ठीक है या नहीं |
Anonymous said,
January 6, 2009 @ 11:14 pm
While I try to sleep,
I feel you by my side
Those curls over my face,
Which your fingers put aside
I see you more with eyes closed,
Tickle me in my dream
A sweet shiver running through me,
Like that of strawberry and cream
You are still there,
As I wake up everyday
Kissing my eyelids,
Like the first light of the day
How can they say
Please tell me,
That I am not with you,
And you are not with me!!!
Cuckoo said,
January 6, 2009 @ 11:30 pm
Abhi,
I changed a few words to make it more meaningful. The person being talked about is not dead but away.
Abhi said,
January 6, 2009 @ 11:33 pm
Of course not dead…But very far away… I said its got a deeper meaning
Cuckoo said,
January 7, 2009 @ 12:41 am
Abhi,
isliye change kiya.
Arrey, Unmukt ji was thinking that, not me.
~vagabond~ said,
January 7, 2009 @ 5:55 am
The translation sounds good…but I think sometimes translating a poem into a different language takes some of its original beauty away…i wish i knew how to read hindi to appreciate its original beauty.
Shekhar said,
January 7, 2009 @ 7:15 am
Chaliye “kya” na sahi.. “kaun” hain yahi bata dijiye
उन्मुक्त said,
January 7, 2009 @ 8:52 am
कुहू जी यह कविता आपने लिखी है। आप ही इसके भाव को सबसे अच्छा व्यक्त कर सकती हैं। मैंने तो इसका अनुवाद न केवल इस कविता पर आपकी लिखी कुछ पुरानी चिट्ठियों को ध्यान में रख कर किया था। आप कुछ समय पहले बहुत दुखी थीं।
मुझे तो यही लगा कि वह व्यक्ति अब आपके मर चुका है। लेकिन शायद कहीं अब भी है। कुछ लोग कितने भाग्यवान होते हैं कि लोग हमेशा उन्हें याद रखते हैं।
मैं आखरी पैराग्राफ बदलने आया था पर आपने खुद अपनी बात अपने शब्दों में कह दी, इस लिये कुछ भी लिखने की जरूरत नहीं।
मैं तो अक्सर यहां आता हूं पर टिप्पणी नहीं कर पाता - समय का भी कुछ आभाव रहता है। पिछले साल कुछ अन्य कारण भी रहे।
peter said,
January 7, 2009 @ 3:10 pm
The English version I can read is really wonderful ! Could your original version be even better?
Deepu said,
January 8, 2009 @ 10:22 am
बंद आँखों मैं भी तुम हो | आपका कोई जवाब नहीं| वो जो भी हो आपको याद आयें उनको मेरी शुक्रिया कि आप उन्हें याद करें |
ashes said,
January 9, 2009 @ 2:48 pm
Oh I missed it…I mean, read it just now…was quite busy the whole of this week….couldn’t even reply to comments on my post.
But Unmukt ji has anyway done a good job, I don’t think I’d have been able to do it as beautifully.
Nice poem, though there is no way the English version can express the same thoughts.
ashes said,
January 9, 2009 @ 11:55 pm
One suggestion, Cuckoo. You should not try to literally translate your Hindi poems to English, but try to write them from scratch, just incorporating the same underlying line of thought and expression. I know that is asking for too much but you are quite a multilingual personality. So even if a poem comes naturally to you in one language, you can force yourself to create it in another.
From a non-Hindi reader’s perspective, the English version might not look enticing at all. It might, on the contrary, look like improperly constructed verse with corrupt grammar and un-conveyed thoughts. You might as well do away with the translations.
Celine said,
January 11, 2009 @ 5:20 pm
Good one Cuckoo. May I translate one of the verses my style please?
I can feel you, through my closed eyes,
Tingling and playful in my dreams,
Sending sweet sensations through my body.
~vagabond~ said,
January 12, 2009 @ 7:38 am
So what happened to emailing me the hinglish version?…i never received the email…did you send it? would love to read it.
Cuckoo said,
January 14, 2009 @ 8:02 pm
Peter,
Yes, the original version is much beautiful and somewhat enticing too.
Ashes,
It is very difficult what you are suggesting. Since at a time I think in only (90%) one language, it’s difficult for me to bring the same emotions in any other language. It’ll be altogether a different poem then.
BTW, I am overwhelmed, no.. embarrassed by your confidence in me.
Cuckoo said,
January 14, 2009 @ 8:09 pm
Celine,
That was quite a good one. Thanks.
Vagabond,
Yes, ma’am. Sent it. Let me know of your views.
~vagabond~ said,
January 18, 2009 @ 9:33 am
I got your email with the hinglish version…and I loved the poem…some of the hindi words went over my head and I couldnt make sense of them without the english translation…but i was right all along…it does sound so much better in hindi…so much more romantic.
You’ve got to write poems more often, missy.
Kanan said,
January 19, 2009 @ 1:22 pm
Wow! I didn’t even see this until now… it’s beautiful, Cuckoo. Now the secrets are coming out one after the other, eh.
maajra kya hai, zara hume bhi bataiye na.
Okay I get to cheat here a little, I read everyone’s version and with their help, came up with this version:
at night, before slumbering into sleep
lying beside (me), you were
playing with my tresses
in those drowsy eyes, you were too
tickling my dreams
sending sweet sensations through entire body
when the eyes opened you turned into
those first rays that kissed
my eyelids
tell me how you are apart from me?
Ashraf said,
January 29, 2009 @ 11:36 am
Nice kavita…i wud have tried my own version of translation, but i feel “Anonymous // Jan 6, 2009 at 11:14 pm” did a great work.
Vands said,
January 30, 2009 @ 12:19 am
Beautiful … both the original and the translated.
I smiled!